This is just a blog post from my memory lane. About a person I forget but suddenly remembers. Fated? Destined? I don’t really know. I wished to believe so.
It was passed midnight and I was not yet sleepy. I was browsing Facebook about a particular post of a K-drama series I am currently watching when I saw one post from my best friend. It was weird because I am looking for a kdrama series, Crash Landing on You but the post I saw from my best friend was a picture of me, balancing the ledgers – no key word to match my searches.
In that post, he was being reprimanded by someone but we both ignored the harsh comments. I was looking at it intently, I didn’t realised the tears in my eyes. I missed him terribly. Well, maybe, the old him, or the old times, I can’t exactly tell.
He has been through a lot of lately and constantly been changing. Well, we all are. And I understand he needs this to become the better version of him, stronger and more mature. I know it’s all part of the journey. I have been there myself, all this life challenges. I’ve been through worst and I vow to rise up like a queen every single time.
The Prince will one day become a King and must be prepared. I understand. And I feel like I must not step back in the meantime, so he could focus on what should be done. It’s his journey. But sometimes, like when I’m eating alone, or when I’m on my way to work, or every single time before I go to sleep, I think of him and pray for him. Hoping everything will be good, hoping he’s coping up. I miss him every day but I just focus on myself. I know I wouldn’t be much of help to him during this time.
Anyway, back to where I was, there’s this urge, as if someone whispered in my ear to find a particular diary I had before. I started to journal since high school, up until now. I haven’t seen this particular diary when I tried to look for it many times before. I have this selective memory condition. I think it’s psychological. Whenever I want to forget a memory, whether good or bad, I can just literally forget about it. And when something triggers, just like a pop, these memories sometimes came back like a light bulb in my head. My journals would then help me remember. So I still keep them handy, just in case, I remember something or someone I don’t want to forget.
Tonight, I was really determined to find it. So, I said to myself, after eating my late dinner around 2 in the morning, ‘I have to find it no matter what’.
I rummaged through my sack of diaries – yes, I put them in a sack. Can’t find a place for them to hide since all my bookshelves are already occupied. Looking for it was not easy since I already forgot the date and I don’t remember what notebook I used. I usually use two or three notebooks at the same year, and sometimes, I just write on any piece of paper.
I expected to dig up until the bottom of the sack but wow, the universe must be on my side tonight. I opened the sack, pulled out the first few items I can grab inside: my old photo album on top, a spanish book, and a small dictionary. The fourth one is a thin blue notebook, with pages torn. I opened it right then and there, not expecting to see that particular day in my journal.
I flipped through the pages randomly and was intrigued to see what I wrote, “To my dearest future husband,” it said. I didn’t go on reading it. I remembered when I was still in high school and college, I used to write love letters to my future husband, even though I don’t know him yet or I’m not sure if we’ll ever meet. I know that what is written is just a set of standards of a high school girl, on how she would like her future husband to be. That romantic and ever perfect guy you can only see in the movies. I have learned that romance is different from true love and that standards are often times, just standards. The perfect guy doesn’t exist.
I flipped through the next few pages, few more love letters. But further on, I was caught up with the intro of this one letter,
Dated April 23, 2011 – To my dearest Future Husband,
Today, I was both happy and sad. Actually, it all started yesterday. Yesterday, I met a guy – a 23 year old guy (the information I found out later). I guy I never knew he exist. A guy who captures my very lonely heart.
I can’t believe my eyes! I started to cry because this was exactly what I’m looking for. As if the universe is on my side. As if God is saying, “Read on, reminisce your past.” As if fate is saying, “Do you remember this day? Do you remember the feeling? I want you to remember.”
I read on and found out that I was sad because I thought, during that time, that I will never be able to see him again. I just met him but I will never be able to see him again. How unfortunate. What’s worse is that he didn’t even noticed me, how could I ever be remembered by him?
The letter said I felt an instant connection with this guy who barely noticed me. I was jealous of a friend whom he’s closed with, while I was just looking at him from a distance. I pitied myself why is that that I am not noticeable enough, that I am always outshined by others, that I am just that little girl at the back.
The letter goes that I pray I would meet my future husband soon, and that he’ll be like this guy. Because this guy, I’ve already decided during that time, was my perfect man. I ended that letter with “Nalulungkot talaga ako” (I was really sad).
After reading the letter, I felt sad as well. As if those feeling of sadness and jealousy and hopelessness came back, after how many years. As if I’m watching that particular memory, a very sad meeting. A very sad episode.
In kdrama, two people who were meant to be together always meet the first time in the most unexpected way, or sometimes, in a very sad way. They wouldn’t know that each will play a very important role in each other’s life. Fate will always lead them back together. My life’s not a kdrama though but I wanted to believe fate brought me and this guy back together.
I think, a year after, I never heard of this guy anymore. I decided to just forgot about him, delete him from my memories just like the way I used to. It is easy for me to do. And so, I forgot everything about him, about this unfortunate first and last meeting. I forgot the feelings, the connection I felt the first time seeing this guy. I moved on and fell in love with another guy.
I don’t know how many years after, but I’ve met this guy again – the only thing is, I can’t remember the first time I met him. Because I did forget. We became close and he ended up being my best friend. Not until a particular event helped trigger that long forgotten memory in my head.
I was heartbroken during that time. This was the moment I will never ever forget and have told him many times. On night he asked me what is the the memory of him that I will never ever forget, I answered this particular memory.
The one when he was frantically looking for me among the crowd of people, while I was looking at him from a distance. He was calling my name. I saw him literally in slow motion. As if he’s the only one I saw from the crowd, among hundreds of people, he’s the only one I see. And that moment hit me. Suddenly, I remembered every thing.
I thought these things happen only in korean dramas I usually watch. Where they’ve already met before, they just don’t remember it. Fate, as they call it. Can this situation of mine can also be called fated? Destined?
I want to believe it. I never imagined my perfect man would become my best friend.
Right now, I’m writing about him. I don’t know what’s he’s doing. Is he asleep? Is he crying? Is he wide awake just like me? I whispered his name in the wind, told the moon my longing. Watched the stars in tears.
I know, someday, fate will bring us back together again. I don’t know how or when. It just feels like we need to grow apart this time. That is why, even though I miss him, I chose to just stay away in the mean time. And as if I know what to say anyway. I don’t know how to comfort him during this time. All the words I wanted to say to him was already said. He knows I love him so much. I don’t want to see him in pain.
As if I can do anything for him anyway. I always thought I’m just a nuisance.
I don’t know what’s the point of even writing these feelings in this blog too. But just in case I will decide to forget him and these memories in the future, and just in case I did and time comes that I will need to bring back these memories of him again, maybe, I’m hoping this site still exist to help me remember.