2019 – a year of my hiatus, a year of not checking my blog, a year of not in the mood to write anything – except for passwords and usernames for so many account registrations that I keep on forgetting (though I only use three passwords for all – bet your luck); It’s a year of ups and downs, of self-preservation, a year of ‘That’s it, I’m done!’, of finally saying ‘no’ when I really feel to say no. It is my year of hiding, of deactivating social media accounts, of detachment, of anxiety, of pain and loss, of going to hospitals and of crying in public places. A year of total surrender to God, of being alone and dragged down, and of fighting my way up and standing back again – though still, with difficulty.
2019 is an emotional battle. It’s a battle I have not yet totally won, towers one after another. I am still fighting, as massive awakening is happening, yes, I’m still releasing the crumbs of negativity from 2019 . I know if I continue to do my inner work, I will win this battle. And I am a year stronger and wiser because of that. I am really grateful to God for all the graces He has given me last year. Nothing great comes easy.
Anyway, enough of that.
The last blog post I wrote is about my travel and traditional tattoo experience in Buscalan. That post was the first and last for 2019, how pitiful. As I revisit my page early this year, I found an old post of mine, a resolution list for year 2018, My 2018 Promises I’m Not Obliged to Fulfill.
I decided to “assess” myself if I really achieved the goals in my list way back two years ago. Here’s my list and my assessment, after each item. Hopefully – fingers-crossed, that I did.
Dyeing my hair pink.
1. New year, new me. I guess I’ll just dye my hair pink, but I prefer to stay the same awesome me I’ve been. And by awesome, that little distant, uninterested, blunt and sarcastic creature who’s mood swings will drive you crazy. Yes, that girl who cried oceans and laughed like a witch yet still someone at least, loved. I’ll stay that way, only, a little bit wiser.
First on the list, first uhm, OK. Cross this out. I did dyed my hair pink, but not exactly like the bleached and really pink hair. It turned out to be brown rose gold or something like that. I realized I don’t have the nerve yet to be that bold when it comes to my hair. But that “little distant, uninterested, blunt and sarcastic creature” is still the same, just a little more, hmm, distant. 😛
Only a plot twist.
2. When something goes wrong again with my life, I will just say that it is just a plot twist, then I’ll move on to the next stage.
Yes, only, what I usually do say now is “This is where I exactly need to be in able to grow. Everything happens for a reason.”
On being late.
3. I will try to think of ten new reasons why I am late so as not to bore my superiors with the same reason – ‘I woke up late’ when my shift starts at 3 in the afternoon. Really.
Come on, let’s not make excuses! Tell the truth! Well, I didn’t come up with ten excuses why I’m late. Ten excuses are just too many to be convincing. So I have this same reason for two years, ‘I woke up late’, just that one reason, always. But sometimes, I go to the office earlier than my usual – sometimes. haha.
My cooking skills.
4. I decided not to disappoint my family with my failed attempts at cooking. So, I’ll leave the cooking to experts — not me.
After two years, I’m proud to tell you that I managed to add two or three dishes to my signature fried hotdogs and eggs: ‘Buttered baby potatoes’ as I called them, crispy fried tofu and sautéed corned beef with mushroom. Haha Yes, I know, I’m pathetic. 😀
My love for painting.
5. I’ll try to do again those things that I love doing like painting, but right now, I’m not in the mood to paint. So, I’ll just get back to finishing this list.
I bought new paintbrushes, acrylics and canvass last year. I still do paint but when I’m really, really sad. But I think, for the last two years, I only have three paintings done, and all of them, gone. However, I’m into digital art lately, so I’m glad I’m still able to do what I love to do during my ‘artist mode on’ mood. Will not give up first love. <3
Patience is a virtue.
6. Need to practice more patience. Breathe in, breathe out. OK, I can do this, just three to go.
I can say that I managed to increase my patience at least, even for just a tiny bit. Listening to meditations really helped me a lot. When anxiety comes, I put on my headset, listen to guided meditations on Youtube and do breathing exercise. Meditations from Jason Stephenson and 101 Power Thoughts by the late Louise Hay remain as my favorites. One addition to the list lately is the subliminal meditation from Vortex Success, entitled Healing Childhood Wounds – Emotional Detox.
My relationship status.
7. I will change my status from Single to Forever Alone. Or maybe, slightly desperate might work. Charauuuuught! Ok, I’ll just settle with ‘Widowed’. 😛
OK, I do sound too desperate here. haha. Societal pressure is a little frustrating sometimes I admit. That women at the age of 30 should be married, should have children, should have it all, or else, there’s something wrong. Oh come on, we’re not ticking bombs. The right boy changed into a responsible and brave man one will come. For some called for single blessedness will be happy as well. This is life, pray, accept what is given and be happy with it.
Learning when to speak.
8. I promise this year, I’ll try not to be too blunt or too sarcastic. But I’m too stubborn, I know I won’t quit it either. Haha.
While being outspoken and frank most of the times and often misunderstood could bring you enemies, it is a way of disclosing the painful truth to others. We would rather flatter each other with our lies, inconsequential cover ups and shallowness, while the truth remains hidden so as not to become the ‘enemy of all’. I still know when to hold my tongue though, because some things are better left unsaid. Being frank and blunt can be a positive and negative thing, but you see, I won’t change it for the world.
Loving myself more.
9. This year, I’ll be nicer. No, not to you, but to myself. I’ll love myself more. Yes! 😛 🙂
Easy to say, hard to do. I don’t love myself enough before. It is so hard for me to say no even when my whole body is aching to say it. My whole body tingles with tension every time I do something I don’t want to do. Like I’m being pricked from the inside. I’m always the one adjusting for other people, always giving them what they need, even though I’m not comfortable with it anymore and felt like I’m always taken for granted. Last year, I realized that is enough. And so, I decided to turn to myself more. I started to acknowledge my own feelings, started to say no, detach and started to pay my attention to myself. I’m helping myself heal and it’s quite a hard journey alone but we will get there. I’m sure.
The most important of all – being in the present moment.
10. And last but not the least, the most important thing to do immediately at the start of the year until the end, I promise to remember to write 2018 instead of 2017.
Looks nonsense but relating my last item to my header “being in the present moment” (just to make this post serious), being present is one of the most important thing we often neglect in this world. We are too much preoccupied with the past and the future that the present simply becomes just our passing moment. I am as well, guilty as charged. But now, I’m practicing to watch my thoughts and separate myself from that thought. To see myself as if I’m the audience of my own story. Sounds complicated like what the hell I’m talking about, I think so too. haha.
But as for the year change, that’s easy. I’m coping. I’m sorry 2019, thank you but I’ve already moved on. 😛
That ends my list and my nonsense. Thank you for spending your precious time reading this post. I would love to write about my resolutions or goals this 2020 but I think you better not to know it, as if anyone cares anyway. For now, I’ll keep my goals between me and my dear journal/planner. Until then divines! Have a good year this 2020! Love and light.